I haven’t written in a while because when i look back at previous entries, i see how negative i have become. Sadly, i don’t think i have done much in the way of improving my attitude. It’s not for a lack of effort though. However i admit defeat and i think i’ll just go off and lick my wounds. 

So, i left off talking mostly about my personal life, or the lack there of in my last entry. Nothing has really changed. I spent Valentines day alone at home watching movies and playing video games. Truly pathetic, i know. I had my surgery schedule a few days after which was something i was more focused on.

Being that this was my first surgery that i could remember i was really nervous. I had no idea what to expect there or what to expect afterwards. I was definitely the youngest one in the waiting room. The nurses were very friendly, both of them had the same names as my mother. I thought that was cool. I decided against knock out gas and tubes down my throat. Instead I took the spinal tap and a ‘block’ in the nerve behind the knee. I know it sounds painful, but it wasn’t that bad. Within minutes i couldn’t move my legs and by the time i was in the operating room i could move anything from the chest down. I woke up while they were transferring me to the operating table. I turn to the doctor and asked him if he put Philips or a flat-head in me. He laughed. While recovering and coming down from the drugs all i wanted was drinks. I was so thirsty!!! Can of Pepsi, OJ, 4 glasses of water and a cup of ice. 

My ankle was killing me once the painkillers wore off. My mom is the best though. She was right there for over 24hrs making sure i was taking care of. She cooked and cleaned for me. I would have enjoyed the experience much more if I wasn’t in killer pain. I crawled around alot getting from place to place. The slightest vibration would send shooting pain up my back. I was a monster. My mom is a saint!

It’s the end of February.

While i was on the path to healing my ankle, i had a pain-killer induced idea to heal my heart. I don’t regret doing it. I couldn’t move on holding on to all this pain. I forgave alot. If i had been indirectly or directly hurt…it was all good now. It was time. I talked a lot with Sean. We both had a lot to make up for. It was oblivious that feelings on both sides were still strong. There was even talk as to reconciliation and a plan to meet up on St. Patty’s day, which i was really looking forward to.

Unfortunately, the best laid plans often go awry. Suddenly the Sean that was telling me how much he missed and loved me and how much he wanted to come home…was gone. Text messages went unanswered. Phone calls ignored. It broke my heart all over again. It made me think of an old policy i used to hold above all else…second chances are for the weak. You will only allow the hurt and betrayal, access again, and this time they know where the fatal blow needs to be dealt. 

Now we enter March and what an entrance it made. All winter the Northeast has been lucky with record LOW snowfall for the entire season. You could count on one hand how many “snow-storms” we had. So it surprised everyone that March 1st we had what would be our last snow storm of the season. It wasn’t much…but enough to layer the ground and sidewalks. 

Of course i was not happy about this. Suddenly my injury felt more like an incarceration. How in the hell was i suppose to manage in the snow on crutches. The answer is not very gracefully! I was heading out to my ortho’s office to have my splint and stitches removed. My step had not been shoveled and i took a fall off of it and into the sidewalk. It hurt, alot, but i got up…told my mother to calm down and off to the doctors we went. 

The doctor was upset something like this could happen minutes before my exam. he removed my splint only to see my ankle very swollen and my heel very black and blue. The best was yet to come as he walked into the room with my new x-rays to tell me i now have a placement fracture in my leg. Hence the pain i was dealing with. What’s done was done and now i would be placed in a hard cast for the next month. I picked green for St. Patty’s day. 

Due to my newest injury and my still broken heart, i retreated home and pretty much didn’t leave it unless absolutely necessarily. I read and played more video games. I dealt with some of the bill collectors. I even indulged in some guilty pleasures. I mean, why not?!? Not like i had much going for me at the moment. So if i’m gonna be on the bench for a few months…why the hell not enjoy my down time as much as i could.

Sean finally text messaged me back a week and a half before St.Patty’s Day. He said he was figuring stuff out. he was cryptic about details. What he didn’t know was that i had contacted his friends and family and asked about details. He was seeing a “boy” in Allentown. He was unsure if things were going to progress down there. He didn’t like his job, or the fact that he was so far away from his family. Basically i was the safety net in his life. he knew i still had feelings and could manipulate me anyway he saw fit. What he didn’t expect was me finding out. i was so hurt he would even try again to win me over. He thought he kept his shit sooo smooth. I found strength and ended it finally. I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for him to come to the same realization i had. I know we could be good together. He’s the one that just doesn’t know how to love another person…cause he doesn’t love himself enough. I told him that he hurt me enough. I told him that anything that was between us was gone. I told him to set up his life in PA, because there is nothing left in NY for him. And then i stopped texting back. Goodbye Sean :(

St. Patty’s Day was the absolute worse i could remember in recent history. I went to a friends house for a very nice brunch with some co-workers. I didn’t drink because i was still on crutches and i really didn’t want to fall again and break something else! So sober and kinda not feeling the whole holiday i left to sit at a t-shirt table for some extra rent/bill cash. Everyone around me was wasted and having a great time. I watch some of the parade go by, but after some drunk stupid slut tried to steal a shirt from the table without paying. My attention was refocused on selling t-shirts again. As soon as the product was put away, i retreated back to my apt and stayed there the rest of the weekend.

I didn’t do much or go anywhere special. I did go on two somewhat disappointing dates. These guys were just the wrong fit for me. The one guy was all about himself…and the other was all about money. So, the single life it is for me…for the time being. 

The rest of March seemed to drag on. Maybe it just seemed that way because i was in a cast the entire month. It itched like crazy. Showering was a chore. Sleeping was a luxury. Trying to get comfortable with a cast is probably the hardest part. My relief finally came on March 31. The nurse asked if i wanted to keep it because of all the signatures. i told her hell no. Burn it! I’m not completely healed yet. I will still have weeks of physical therapy before i can return back to work. I’m a little more mobile than i was. DAS BOOT is a lot more comfortable and it’s best feature is….it’s removeable!!!

Baby steps. Crippled. baby. steps.

Favorite Line! “And you are just a boy in a DRESS!”

(via edwinflame)

Where to begin?

I occurs to me that i have somehow falling into a spiraling vortex of complete and utter shit as of late. Not to harp again on all this things that new years has yet to offer…but February has proven to find a way to top January’s terrible events. 

I don’t just speak of the dreaded Valentines day either. Since i brought it up…just a small jaded rant is necessary. To date it has been over 4 months since i have had a lover in my bed. Longest dry spell i can remember. This might even turn out BIBLICAL for all intense and purposes. Floods, plaques…a virgin sacrifice? Who knows. This will be the 5th year in a row i’m single for what suppose to be a really nice holiday for lovers. Again i’m left with No Bf. Not even a guy close to being a valentine. I’m beginning to think i’m cursed. I mean sure it’s definitely cheaper and by far easier without trying to impress someone who will end up leaving you disappointed and alone. It’s just the idea of someone doing something nice for me would be so welcomed right about now. I’m nice. I’m loving and caring. Why is it that over and over and over again i’m left alone to watch all the lovers around me have their little love celebration, while i wish for one of my own. I think some higher powers could find it in their hearts to move a tiny bit of heaven and earth and provide me with some sort of hope that love truly exist. Or maybe i’m just one of the unfortunate people who will never really find a match and will end up alone off and on, until i finally gather enough courage to just go off and die. Alone.

Ok, I’m done pitying myself.

While still somewhat on the topic of love… Ex’s. Listen i know that i’m not perfect. I know that when a relationship fails that it take two people to play their role. Experts say time heals. So, why is it that when an ex who becomes a friend comes around they still have to act all weird and dare i say it…aloof. I’m sorry i don’t mean to point any fingers but come on. Are you too good to talk to me like i’m an actual human being?! You see me, you hear me! and yet you stand there not knowing the proper etiquette to come over and say hello. RUDE! Your embarrassment of me when i made the effort was brighter then a spotlight and a lot less warm. I guess some friendship with ex’s are just a higher level of acquaintanceship and not really a friendship at all. I try, i really do…but i will not go out of my way to make someone feel comfortable when it’s clear that my presence provides anything but! Let’s just call a spade a spade and go on ignoring each other politely. (and your OLD friend is still a douche!)

Still the encounter did make me realize a few things about myself that i definitely want to change about myself in the future. I don’t want to keep holding onto these hurt feelings from the past and grudges. What’s done is done and unless someone was really injured or killed, the adult thing to do it to “get over it”, and “get over yourself”. I reached out to Sean and we finally talked. For over an hour we discussed our feelings and apologized for the wrong doings in our relationship. It feels great knowing that even though we aren’t together anymore, we still care very much for each other and we wish the best for each other. A few times i thought “man, i wish we could have talked this honestly while we were together”. But failed relationships make us better people in newer ones. Maybe someday i will get it right. Sean is doing ok. He’s going back to school again and has found a job down there. He’s made a close friend and has alot of support from family down there. He misses me and i miss him. I’m happy he was able to bounce back, maybe not completely but enough to continue on without me. 

I wish i could say the same. I don’t think i have truly moved on. It’s not easy to admit that cause i would like to say i have but i would be lying. I recently just went on my first date and thought “wow good for you Craig, way to get yourself back out there”. It was a really nice date. Great food, great conversation and the guy was really put together. In someways totally out of my league. He’s too nice to ever admit that, which is one of the things i like about him. We actually went for coffee the next week. He listens to all my babbling on about nothing and genuinely looks interested. He’s put together and i’m organized chaos.  However, hearing that your ex has been there, done that, and reduced it back to friendship b/c he wasn’t official ready…kinda puts things in perspective. I know it’s not a race to the finish line…but i was walking in a marathon. I’ll finish…just about the time the next marathon is due to begin. I need to add a little pep to my step.

As for running, that’s something i won’t be doing for a really long time. I broke my ankle in two spot on the 8th.  I have to have surgery on the 15th. I’ll be out of work till the end of March. I swear if my luck were like the hedge funds the banks bought hoping they would fail…they’d be making Trillions of dollars off me!!! It’s the worst month too. My other day shift co-worker is in Mexico. I was suppose to cover all his shift for the month of Feb. Less then a week into his vacation…i’m out of work. Now the boss has to scramble around with one of the smallest amount of staff available in my time at the bar to try and fill these shift. Not only my co-worker’s shifts but almost my shifts +a Saturday barback. What’s worst yet…with no hours i haven’t a clue how i’m going to make everything work. I have no income except for a few karaoke shifts i have picked up, thanks to the generous help of my Co-host. I’m so screwed! 

Speaking of screwed (aren’t you loving my segue by the way), that surgery i’m having…they are going to have to put pins and screws and possibly a plate in my foot. IN MY FOOT!!! The sheer thought of being put under terrifies me. I keep dreaming i’m not going to wake up. Oh jeez. In the case that i don’t…please someone break into my house and steal the whole drawer next to my bed. Things moms and dads should never see. You know? On a positive note…i haven’t turn back to drugs ( go me)…except for the marvelous prescription of painkillers. Hey, it’s doctors order.

I do have a great support unit of co-worker, friends and family around me that i am grateful for every single day. People keep asking me if there is anything they can do to help me during this difficult time. they offer rides and food. No sponge baths yet but i’m hopeful. It’s really nice. It’s loving. Maybe this is my Valentines? Tomorrow is Valentine’s day after all.

February is only half over. I know people say that god only gives you what you can handle. Well, sir, kindly find another wretch to pick on please. My fucking quota is filled. I have no idea what i am going to do, but i will bear it. Thankfully not completely by myself. 

It’s been a very long time since i posted. There is much to get off my chest so bare with me as this is going to get a little long winded.

Last i posted i was going through hands down the worst break up on record. Thankfully since then a lot of that has calmed down. This is in great part to the fact that i have completely and utter erase any trace of him from my life. With the exception of a few picture i leave up on FB…I’m in the clear. It’s hard. I do think of him regularly, but i always remember why we had to end. I hate being lonely, but i hate more being unappreciated. I give a lot in relationships and i just ask the same of the person I’m with. Enough said. 

Christmas with the folks was better than it’s ever been. We kept it small. They just don’t have it in them to perform this great big elaborate Christmas theme gathering, and frankly this year i wasn’t feeling it either. I didn’t decorate. And i didn’t buy presents for ANYONE. It’s not that i was BA humbug or hated Christmas. My Christmas present to myself, and the only one i could afford, was to not do Christmas this year. I just took a break. I laid around doing nothing and try to start enjoying my newly single life. Why put up a tree…who’s gonna see it. Id rather read or watch TV instead of dragging all that shit out. regardless it wouldn’t have made me any happier.

The Folks agreed. So we made a new holiday tradition. No Tree. Not many Presents. No HAM! YES! Instead Dave cooked a delicious prime rib that was so good i think i literally ate a pound of it. My mother and i discuss a bunch of topics from politics to Occupy Albany to what shows we were watching. My brother and i discussed his future in the Air force and realized we both smoke cigarettes. I think the one thing that made Xmas time enjoyable was the newest addition to the family: Bowie. 

Bowie is a 75lb Boxer who my family rescued after the flooding the in the Gilboa/Schoharie counties after hurricane Katrina. he’s just the best thing that has happened to our family in a long time. And he was my best bud during my stay. he thinks he is a lap dog. Wants to sit ON you rather than NEXT to you and when he sleeps he snores so loud you have to turn up your TV or iPhone just to hear. But i love him. Since i don’t live there, i break rules regarding feeding at the table. So for Xmas he helped eat the fatty potions of my prime rib dinner. Imagine that. He’s a good boy. Definitely brought the extra cheer to the holiday.

So Xmas is over and a sigh of relief washes over me followed immediately by a massive cold. As i get older i have begun to realize that the anti-hospital approach i have towards my health needs to come to a grinding halt. I promise if i ever become that sick again…i will def seek help from more than the over the counter medicines. It started on a Tuesday and even today i feel a bit sluggish and worn out, but definitely on the mend. On Friday i lost my voice and i was sleeping every moment i was home. When i was awake i was constantly on every med in my bathroom cabinet just to make it through. Never again. It’s obvious to me now that i needed something stronger…and my fear is that this cold will come back and next time it will be much worse than the previous one. It also doesn’t help that one of my friends had a minor case of bronchitis and another was bed ridden for two days with walking pneumonia. They needed serious antibiotics and here i am messing with dayquil/NyQuil. Next time it’s Urgent Care all the way.

That bring us to New Years Eve. It bring me to the point in this blog that’s hardest to talk about. I woke up that morning, still sick, but wanting to ring in the new year right. Yeah i was single and alone, but i have a ton of friends. I got dressed up really nice and headed to the one bar i knew i would have the best time. And for the most part i did. I drank. I danced. I even shared my first kiss with a lesbian friend of mine. But then i really lost it. I had taking some theraflu tea before the night and the alcohol was hitting me harder than expected. I tried to eat…but the problem wasn’t an empty stomach. it was drugs and liquor. I switch to beer. 

From this point on things are fuzzy to me. I remember dancing downstairs and seeing Gillie. I remember groping more than a few cute boys and friends…and then i went to request a song. David was mixing so i figured i would wait and set my beer down. It SPILLED. All down the amps!!!! Suddenly the sound went off and i was on the floor trying desperate to clean up the spill and dry out the amps. David wasn’t pleased but we worked together to switch things out and get the music up to standard. After that my night went from bad to worse. I left the DJ booth, crying and embarrassed and drunk. I try to make it out the door before i did anything else…pass the buffet i was looking forward to eating and ran smack dab into one of the owners, Louie. He was so angry at me and yelled at me in front of people. I literally turn around in the middle and walked away from him as he shouting “you better leave!” How could my night have gone to this. I tried to salvage what i could across the street but i was hopelessly sad and no one wanted a thing to do with the depressed kid in the corner of the bar. So i went home.

I woke up the next morning completely hungover and depressed. I knew i was going to lose my job over my antics the night before and just waited for the call to come from my manager. It did. But i would have rather been fired then get the news he had. i would have rather been embarrassed ten times over then listen to what he had to say. 

He told me Warren had past away. At first i didn’t believe him and i told him this was a horrible joke. He choked up and i knew he wasn’t kidding. I lost it. I cried so hard i had to get off the line. And i cried until Kris called me and told me we were meeting up at Sarah’s house. And i cried there. We all cried. It was so unreal. I kept wishing he’d walk in the door and shout “Happy 2012 you fuckers!” But he never did. The bar remained open. Monday was the hardest for me. As soon as this hit the news, our staff and community went into overdrive. At first reports were a man fell from a bridge, by the end of the week, Warren was a beloved citizen, Father and friend to many broken hearted loved ones mourning the unfinished life of a great man. Over 2100 people showed to pay there respects at the wake. The support from the community was overwhelming. 

People posted amazing stories, pictures, and tributes. They sent flowers, cards even a plague. And the donations!!! We set up a Fund for his family and Sarah to help cover the unexpected costs… the help and generous donations have just been pouring in. I’m so proud of the people who came out to support and the continued support we get each day. I’m proud of my community. I’m so grateful to them as well. 

Losing a close friend was so hard. Every Time i cried in public there was someone there hugging me telling me it will be alright. Every Time i posted how much i missed him and i wish i told him how much he means to me as a friend, there was someone commenting the kindest of words and encouragement to stay strong. To smile. To know that Warren is looking down on you and hears your thoughts and prayers of him. I can never thank them enough for all the help they gave me through this. Never!

And now we enter January. 2012. These last few months have been so rough, but i endure. I can officially say I’m one month drug free. I made this resolution before the new year…but I’m going to apply it to my New Years resolutions now.

New Year Resolutions:

• Continue on the path to sobriety. No drugs for 2012. NO WEED.
• Redesign my living situation and create a place i can call home.
• Organize my life and get my debts on track
• Work out more and lose the extra weight i have put on
• Learn to play the guitar
• Get my first tattoo
• Attend 3 Concerts
• Sing outside my Karaoke Show
• Roller coasters! bigger and better
• Go on a Cruise
• Fly in an Airplane (not since 99)
• Act in a community theater production.
• Write more! Stories, Poems, Songs, just WRITE.
• Win a couple of awards.
• Host an event
• Enhance my style
• Find another lover
• Dance
• Laugh more

Quite the list. However, i’m quite the man.

tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

The west coast i imagine. California or something as warm.

It was only a matter of time i guess before numbing set it. I think i’m over half way through the stages of a break up. Now i know not everyone can relate to each stage and the order that they occur but i think if you look deep down you can understand where some of this stages orginated.

Stage 1: The realization. The fighting and the tension in the house was unbearable. I would sit next to him and pretend all the ways it would end. Not ‘if’ but when. It was only going to be a matter of time before i built up enough courage or resent to finally put an end to it. The jobless, lazy, back-talking , pothead loser finally set me over the edge and as soon as I stood up for myself and he could come at me with an ungrateful condenscening attitude…game over.

Stage 2: The ACTUAL realization. The biggest fight we have ever had. It resulted in him walking out the door with a suitcase that i packed. It continued into the evening with a naughty underwear boy performance and a grand finale on his knees performing and receiving oral and god knows what in the bathroom of my work. There is no coming back from that. I think somehow he knew this would be true with me. I had given him so many chances and to have to excuse all the previous heartaches caused and now this utter embarrassment, it was more than even Jesus Christ himself could forgive. It surprises me not one bit that the very next morning he ran away to Allentown Penn. It should haunt him everyday as it haunts me.

Stage 3: The Crying Game. Beyond the first two that take the courage to hurt someone else by saying you no longer want to share you life with, you are also opening the back door for your own pain and misery. Once the first two stage are complete throught words and actions, it’s time to feel those desicions. This has been the hardess on me. My first line of defense is eating. It’s a terrilble dangerous cycle. Sure, that entire box of chee-zits are yummy and you have to wash that down with soda or kool-aid or anything that has a concentrate of 90% sugar and 10% water. But the after math are tight fitting pants and belly popping shirts. It taste good now but beware the next stage. It will ruin you appetite. It might also strain your friendships. Most friends have a time limit that they want to hear about you most recent of break up. Like a band-aid…doing it slow is painful and irriating. better to get out there, say what you need to say and quietly suffer alone. No one what that guy who just sits there whining incestantly over the ‘one who got away’ or the ‘I miss him why doesn’t he miss me’ IMPORTANT NOTES: Checking up on him, while even trying to look casual is pathetic and nonconstructive. Once you have cut him out of your life, don’t go through the proverbial garbage trying to get scraps on his new life without you. It doesn’t help. It would look good either. Clean Break.

Stage 4: Bitterness. I gave that piece of shit everything. When i met him he was couch surfing showering twice a week and only had what he was were and a grocery bag of rotted moldy clothes. How could he treat me like this. It usually takes me some time to get over this stage as i love to hold onto my anger. But not this time. I blocked his number and emails and social networking sites. I feel cheated , yes. But to say i would have done anything different in help a poor dumb little street walker is a lie. And too much lying has happened all ready. I’m still hurt and upset with his constant digs at me and everything i did, but in the end i know i did the very best i could to maintain a loving and healthy relationship. 

Finally Stage 5: The Crush.  Once to anger simmers to a low boil it’s time to check out the market. There is no set time frame for this one but going out before the water is warm again will end up burning you and anyone you splash with your recent hardships. Rebounds are fun but sometimes they are merely filling in for the person you still miss. Tread carefully, But tread regardless. I have to get myself back out into the public eye. I have to get in front of all the rumors and show that it takes a lot more to put craiggers in the corner. I find helping others distracts me from my own misfortunes and allows me to feel sympathetic to those who problems are different than mine but still seems just as horrendous. Then there are the potential guys i will want to get to know on a better bases for the shear pleasure and companionship. Take it slow and but up front of your intention. Sometimes Mister Right is right under you know but you are too busy getting over Mr Wrong. Try now to dwell and reminisce. Go out and make your own experiences and new memories. 

Lastly Stage 6: Freedom. It can be lonely at first but always uplifting and gratifing, Change your living quarter. New bed spread. New sitting arrangement. Enjoy making all you own decision without having to check with someone. The more you do this the more you will start to like/love yourself and that is the next step to finding the happiness you missed so much 5 stages ago. be good to yourself. But yourself presents. Treat yourself to movie with friend and dinner out with co-workers. You time is your time and you should be able to do with it what ever you feel would make you the happiest. Pretty soon, you’ll be in the prime location for someone to love you as much as you love yourself.

Not all the stages are easy ones and it will take alot more time on some than other. make it your goal to try to take out of each one as much as you should and move onto the next. Do waste your time waiting for someone to come back. Just work on you and the rest will just fall into place the way it should. 

Today is Thanksgiving. Today you give back to those who have given you so much and be thankful. I’m hosting a turkey dinner for those in my community who do not have a place to go this Thanksgiving. Last year was my first attempt and it went over nicely. I’m hoping for an evening better turnout this year. I shall post more about it later.

Here’s hoping that i can do good and pull myself out of the funk that i have been in since the breakup. I’m thankful for alot of things sure, but losing Sean is not one of them. Even though i don’t believe now he and i were right for each other in the long run, the loss of someone who share my summer, my heart and my bed has crippled me in lonilness and sorrow. The aftermath of hearing from those who witness the sexual antics in the bathroom of my work tares at the fibers of my heart. I replay the fight over and over again hoping that i didn’t miss a key element. The Sign. How could someone do something so crass and disgusting merely 5hrs after our blow out! Did it never occur how hurtful and mean that action could be. I think so. The emails and voicemails are vulgar and crude. I wonder ‘how could i have ever loved someone like this?” Where were the clear red flags. 6 months later i’m left picking up the pieces, explaining my side, crying in the dark and for what? 

But i digress, today is suppose to be about what i’m thankful for. I’m thankful for my life. Im thankful that evening in my darkest of times i still want to, have to wake up every morning and take on all the strife that will surely come my way. I’m thankful that i have supported friends and a loving family. I’m thankful that everything i have i earned working as hard as i can doing something that i like to do. I’m thankful for my cats Catiline and Caitlin. I’m thankful that i can have a broken heart and still love and will love again. I’m thankful for all the bad days i’ve overcome that make the good days that much more fulfilling.

Most importantly i’m thankful each and every day for the person i look at in the mirror. I’m thankful that i’m kind and gentle and couragous. I’m thankful i’m a man that i can be proud of and makes others proud to be with. I’m thankful for the ideal and principles i set for myself and the resound to uphold them. 

This Thanksgiving I’m thankful for well……. Me.

Boxers are the best!

Ve ave vays of making you tolk!

Today a friend texted and told me to get dressed and leave the house. It’s not healthy for me to mourn this too long. Saddle up Cowboy! So, i left the house… and went to the bar. I keep making awful decisions. 

So there i am taking shots and drinking far too many beers at 5pm in the afternoon. it’s saturday so i guess it’s not all bad. That was until i heard about my drama from other people. 

I often wonder why i put myself out there for people to ridicule or take pleasure in my misfortunes. The first things out of most people mouth at first seem sincere. “Hey, sorry to hear about you and sean” Thank you. Then immediately following they tell me either they never liked him, how much of a hot mess he was….how i could do so much better…

Ugh it’s enough to make you want to get black-out drunk. That’s just what i did…but it’s exactly what i shouldn’t be doing.

I know some are just trying to be my friend. Support me in a tough time. But should my life be a bar converstion. Apparently so. Now i have people telling all about the shit talking he was doing on friday night. People i haven’t even been able to talk to know more about this then i would like. I’m the guy that broke his heart. i’m the guy that kicked him out. I’m the guy that has ruined his life. It should only be fair then to bad mouth me at my work and around my neighborhood.

And then he gets on a bus and leaves the state. Just like that. He’s gone.

And i need to let him and let this go. It won’t help or solve anything to mourn this when he clearly has no remorse. I need to go on auto-pilot. I need to look at what my life has been reduced to and change the things i don’t like. I need to stop tweeting and facebooking my heartache to the WWW. No body cares… no body should and if i have a problem with it…it’s my problem. And it should be dealt with behind closed doors, or in front of the fridge. :) I eat when i’m sad.

Being popular comes with it’s fair share of bad. Still with all the pettiness aside… i’m actually really lucky that i have people in my life that care enough about me. I have to learn to take the good out of this situation and move on.

It was good that for a while i found someone i could be myself with. To have and to hold…etc etc. I miss that. I want it back. Someday i’m sure i will. in the meantime i have a long and lonely road to walk. and the people on the sidelines, love them or hate them are going to be there.  

Analizing

Guiding

Rediculing

Supporting

Hating

and Loving

Every step of the way.